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Worries, memories and certainties…

Some days I worry about having children. I wonder how Derek and I can possible make time in our lives for another human. We are already trying to juggle our dog around on the days we work late or for a night out…but a human?

Babies can’t be left in the backyard or garage with a bowl of water and food. Pretty sure people get arrested for that kind of thing. Sheesh, I feel bad that I leave my dog alone for hours upon hours every day, how do I think I am going to handle a kid?

Let me be clear. We are planning to have children, someday. However, I am not planning on being a stay at home mom, I frankly don’t think I could handle it. Financially it isn’t as though I am carrying our family (not even close), but I am not interested in leaving the burden up to Derek. Mentally, I need out of the house time, adult interaction and a sense of accomplishment born from a day of hard work. I know that having and raising children is hard, but that isn’t work, it is life. I have a feeling that because of the kind of person I am, I am going to work even harder post-children than I do now because it will mean so much more.

Of course these are my thoughts pre-kids and I am well aware that hopes, dreams and ideals change once you bond with your little someone, but this is my story and I’m sticking to it! I have mad respect for woman who can swing staying home with their kids and not letting someone else’s hand raise them. I just don’t think it is for me.

I wonder how Derek and I will pick out names for our children or decorate the nursery. Will we agree on the kind of food to feed our kids, how much TV time they get or how best to discipline them? Will we agree on where they go to school, how many activities to involve them in or read the bible to them every night?

Ever since I have known Derek, he has swore he has never and will never change a diaper. What if he isn’t kidding?

Is he going to wake up in the middle of the night and softly sing to the baby with me while I feed it?

Am I going to be a complete bitch when I am preggo or directly after? Will my hormones take me over so completely that I’ll start eating red meat? (ew) What if I can’t lose the baby weight and I never feel attractive again? Am I going to hate myself if I can’t handle the pain of childbirth and want an epidural?

Will my wrist pain make it too hard to hold my baby?

There are days when fears overtake reason and I think about things like this and it confirms the fact that we are probably not ready for kids (not that anyone ever is) but there are other days when I think about what an amazing daddy Derek  is going to be and how I cannot wait for that day!

I see how he treats me and cherishes me and honors me and cares for me. Shoot, I see how much he loves our dog, always calling her “his girl.” He gets so excited, even after a long day at work, to come home to our wriggly pup. I have been observing him for years with children and he is generous, tender, yet firm and he is always paying attention.

I imagine what our life will be like when he walks in the door after work and it isn’t just Cali greeting him at the door, but me with our baby in my arms. Some days I think I can imagine it, other day I can’t even fathom it.

I do know this, I know that these precious moments that we have with each other right now, just the two, of us are to be treasured. These days are a gift to us from God. Time to grow together and learn everything we can about each other. The stronger we are as a united front, the better parents we will be.

Time to make dinner together, kick back with a glass of wine and watch TV or take a brisk stroll on a Saturday morning. These are times when we only have to do laundry on the weekend, we can keep our house clean and we only spend $75 on groceries every week. We can go out whenever we want (not that we ever do) and take a vacation if we like. We can sleep in late (8:00 ish) and stay out as late as we want (10:00 pm) and if I don’t want to make breakfast on Saturday morning, we hit IHOP.

All of these things are so silly and insignificant, but I love them. I love making these memories together so that when life gets a little bit harder, we’ll have these times we can cherish. Times when we had each other, we held each other and we faced anything together. I am certain that there are very few things in life that Derek and I could not accomplish together.

Do you ever worry about the future? About when your life will not be like it is now? It is in those moments that I am thankful for the certainties, like love, respect and dreams. Life is not a certainty, so I will live today with love, respect and dreams as if it were my last.


One comment on “Worries, memories and certainties…

  1. All I can say is, “you will know when you know.” We waited 5 years to have kids and I’m glad we did. I worked 2 1/2 years when Nathan was little before I quit my job to stay home (something that I did not think I would ever do) – and I’m glad I did. You will both be awesome parents, but for now, love on your pup. I was quite surprised how much I learned from my dog about being a parent.

    “You will know when you know”… and when it is time to start the next phase of your lives it will come naturally as God has prepared you for the next step and you will both be ready.

    Love your writing.

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