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When I don’t have the words

I visit this space every day. I stare at the screen and decide what I want to say. Day after day I don’t have the words. There is so much happening in my life. Things that are fun and easy, things that are hard and confidential. Things that are mine to share and things that are not. Seems like everything that matters in life, are things I cannot share in this space and that leaves me with nothing.

I could write about the weekend getaways I go on, the softball games on Friday nights or the countless hours I spend at the gym. But it seems like those things just don’t matter in light of the life that takes place every day. There is so much more going on than the superficial crap that I do all the time. There is more in my life. There is more in my friend’s lives, my family’s lives. There is more in the news. There is more every Monday when I spend a few hours with my CASA child.

Her case is closing and that means our time together may come to an end. I didn’t have enough time. Enough time to tell her everything she needs to know to navigate those difficult teen years. Enough time to tell her that she can do anything she wants as long as she works hard for it. Enough time to tell her that spending time with her and listening to her has done so much for my soul and I am forever grateful.

I write so that I can empty my heart and soul and leave it open for everything else that is to come, but today my heart is still full. It is really heavy actually. It is heavy with a lot of amazing things, but it is heavy with a lot of hard things too. Things I can’t fix, solve, make go away or change.

So today, I don’t have the words.

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