I’m not writing enough. That is something I am very certain about. It is funny how I can draft up stories and posts and scenarios in my mind while I am going about my day, yet when I have a few minutes to sit and write, I don’t. At the end of every day, when faced with a choice of going to the gym, showering, making dinner and vegging out or doing all those things and then pecking out my thoughts while simultaneously trying to pay attention to the Kings game (So that when Derek asks me if I saw that play, I can say yes and talk about it intelligently), the former always wins. Perhaps it is because life is heavy sometimes and writing about light topics seems like a waste, or fake somehow.
I know that this year has been a learning year for me. Learning how to choose sanity. I don’t get overwhelmed very easily, nor do I feel a lot of anxiety in life, even when it is called for, but there have been many overwhelming moments for me this year, some decisions to be made in my own life, some feeling the feels for what is happening in the lives of those around me and feeling helpless (Let the record show, feeling helpless is one of my top fears in life) and some are choosing to accept what I do not understand.
There have been moments of overwhelming anger and resentment, overwhelming feelings of sadness. I have also have overwhelming feelings of joy, success and accomplishment. I feel silly saying those feelings are overwhelming, but have you ever experienced a pure moment of success and felt lightheaded (I bet you have…)
Through this year, I felt as if I am learning some things about myself. Some things are new, some are just a confirmation of what I already knew. Some things are a deliberate change in my mindset (see my previous comment about sanity)
I learned that friendship can be hard and still be good. I have always been of the mindset that if you have to work too hard at friendship, clearly something isn’t right. Well that is a bunch of crap. It makes me appreciate easy friendships all the more, but there are some friendships that are worth fighting for, even when it saps your time, energy and emotions. I know it doesn’t sound appealing, but trust me, it is imperative that you do not walk away from people just because it gets hard.
I learned that making a professional change for myself, despite giving up the convenience of yoga pants, a flexible schedule and messy hair (ok, my hair is still messy) is worth the price of admission into the daily grind of my dreams. Remember that lightheaded feeling I mentioned when faced with a moment of pure success. I am feeling that elation nearly every day, in different ways. That is worth all the tailored pants, high heels and packed lunches in the world.
I learned that I do not have to be all things to all people. I do not have to say ‘yes’ to everything, always volunteer to help and I don’t have to host, buy or make for every party, family get-together or girls night. This one is still a work in progress for me. because I LOVE my people. I love the group of friends I have, the family God gave me; those I see often and those I only think about often. 95 percent of the time getting together is worth the cleaning, shopping, wine consumption (totally worth it) and late nights. These are the people that make up my life and I love them. But I need to remember that sometimes it is ok to let someone else do the planning, organizing, hosting, shopping, spending etc etc etc.
I learned that being there for people is never a waste of time. I have always felt this way, but this year seemed to be a particularly heavy year on people needing love, support and a listening ear. It is emotionally draining and at times I take it too deep, but I don’t regret a second of the hours spent letting people know I love them. The gratification I feel from investing in the lives of others is deep, really deep. Deeper than the sacrifice.
I learned that God has his own plans and sometimes that is a really hard pill to swallow. It seems like so often they do not line up with the plans I have or the plans the people I love have. I get angry when I see people sink so much time and energy into their future and time and time again the result is not what they want. But I remind myself that I can only see the now. God can see the when and I have to trust that the when is better than the now. That is still a work in progress too.
I learned that not feeling ready for something is no excuse not to go for it anyway. There are very few instances in life when an opportunity presents itself just to slap you in the face and remind you that you can’t handle it. Instead, trust that it is part of God’s when and forget that in the now it seems insurmountable. This is how I think of faith. In faith, stepping out into the hard, the unknown; because whatever is on the other side is going to be worth it.
In 2015 I am pushing towards the when. Meanwhile, admiring and appreciating all the things that God has given me now and remembering that long ago, these things were the when.
Cheers to health, happiness and learning in 2015.